My brain is currently functioning on overload. You would think I would be worried about getting everything ready for Christmas, but I'm not. I don't have a single present wrapped, but that's just not on my mind right now. I have random thoughts that keep flying through my head and won't resolve themselves. So, if you have better things to do right now, I would stop reading, because this might take awhile.
Last evening I was extremely tired (in part because I have a 6 month old that still doesn't know how to sleep through the night and was up twice the previous night). So, my hubby told me to go to bed and he would give Andrew his last feeding. Wearily I obliged. So, at 9:30 p.m. I went to sleep. It would have been a great night of sleep, if it hadn't been for my 5 year old who woke up in the middle of the night because she was cold, after insisting on sleeping in a sleeping bag in the floor. It didn't take long to put her back in her bed, but after my 4 hours of sleep, my brain must have thought I had enough rested enough because I couldn't go back to bed for another 3 hours.
I lay awake thinking about friends...friends I no longer keep in contact with because of my lack of effort, friends I do try to keep contact with but for reasons unbeknown st to me don't seem to reciprocate my need for their deep companionship. If friendship, companionship, love, is so important than why do we continually mess it up? Why do I let jealousy, and selfishness get in my way to simply care for people? I get so wrapped up in myself, wondering why I didn't get invited to someones house, or why wasn't I the person they felt they could pour their heart out to, that I don't stop to think about what I can do to make someone else feel more loved. I could invite someone with little family for dinner, or send someone who is lonely a card.
I lay awake wondering about my low self esteem, and wonder what I can do to improve my image of myself, so as not to pass this trait on to my girls. I tell myself my new slogan for 2010 is going to be Just Do It! I need to stop whining about not being able to make fabulous meals, making creative projects, having a dust free house, or kids that are perfectly coiffed, and just do something...clean the kitchen sink, play play doh with my kids...do something I can do. I focus so much of my time worrying what other people might think about how I do things in my life. "Would you look at her, she picks up her baby too much...she let's her baby cry too much, she let's her kids watch too much TV, why can't she potty train her child? She spends too much money on junk food. She should really watch her weight." I realize how much time I spend focused on negativity, I just have trouble stopping. Whether people really think badly of me or not, it shouldn't matter. I know only God's view of me matters, I just have trouble remembering that.
I think I've babbled on long enough. There are many more thoughts I have of blogging....writing about things we are proud of all the time vs. what our life looks like in reality, New Year's resolutions, and how to raise our children knowing God. When it comes down to all the issues, I know the answer lies with God. God tells us to "put other's before our own needs." God tells us "we can do all things through Him who strengthens us." God tells us "we are children of Him." Deep down, I know what I have to do. I know I should take it to God in prayer, and read my bible more often. Of course now I'm just laying out more inadequacies...how I'm inadequate in my walk with God. When what I really need to do is stop focusing on what I should do and Just Do It!