Letter to my pea in a pod

Dear Little One -

This past week I have started to feel you inside of me. I always long for this time, because this is the first moment I feel I am really able to bond with you. It's amazing to hear your heartbeat, see you move around on a moniter, but this physical connection makes me feel closest to you. That little kick or movement across my belly is reassurance that you are still slowly growing inside of me. Keep getting stronger little one, because your family is all very anxious to meet you.

I want you to know how much your father and I already love and desire to have you in our lives. Back a year or so ago, we began contemplating if we should add another child to our family. It seemed I felt different almost every day. One day I was content entertaining your two sisters and pondered at how life had finally come to the point where it was comfortable. Your sisters were old enough that I didn't feel overwhelmed all the time with the wonderful responsibility of caring for a baby or toddler. Your father and I could each hold a child's hand, each put a child to bed, have one on one attention. I knew having a third child would mean your dad and I would be outnumbered. There was a sense of insecurity in the possibility of "rocking the boat." It seemed like such a hard decision...do we have a third child or don't we. What did God want us to do? Would having a third overwhelm our marriage? I have to say we never thought this hard about having your sisters. After all I knew I wanted at least one child, hence with God's blessing Kyra was born. Katie, well God made that decision for us. He gave us the unexpected blessing of your second sister. But you, you were the hardest. Until thoughts of you were consuming my mind daily. I knew our family just wasn't complete. I figured if I thought this much of an unborn child, then surely you were meant to be.

The next month we began trying to conceive you. We planned dates for your arrival and perfect timing of ovulation, but that didn't seem to work. After months of disappointment, I began to wonder if God really wanted us to have a third child and maybe it was just my own desire. I contemplated giving up, and putting in the towel. Maybe it was sign from God saying, you need to be content with the wonderful children you've been given. After all I know that I am deeply blessed and I should not want for anything. I also know we had put a lot of trust in the function of our own bodies, and had not relied more on God. We had tried putting things in our control, instead of having faith in Our Savior. The next month we decided not to "try" so hard. We weren't going to look at dates or time everything. And you know what? That was the month you were conceived!

I know now that even though your dad and I strongly desired to have you in our family, it was all in God's timing. He knew my desires, but He also knows the perfect time for you to enter into our lives. So grow little one. I look forward to feeling more kicks and elbows, because it means you are very much alive inside of me. And the fatigue and achy legs I can endure, knowing that in just 4 1/2 short more months I can hold you in my arms.

Lots of love,
Mommy

6 comments:

Sarah said...

Sarah, this is absolutely beautiful! How could this child feel anything but special and loved. We'll keep praying for those kicks and elbows, and for the mama that has to endure them. :-)

Rebecca said...

Oh, this is so sweet!! So excited to find out more about this little person God is creating in you when s/he arrives!

annie said...

so beautiful, Sarah. It's so amazing how things seem to fall into place in God's own timing. What a wonderful word about trust you just gave to ME!:) blessings on your little one!love you.

emilymcd said...

Sarah!! CONGRATS! This is so exciting. We are so happy for you. Your motherly tone in your post is so beautiful. We send our love!

Dave and Jenni said...

Sarah this is precious. I'm sure your little one will cherish this letter some day. Thank you for sharing your journey with this.

Mary@notbefore7 said...

Oh this is so beautiful! I have tears in my eyes, of course, as another pregnant hormonal mommy ;)

This letter is a treasure!