Insecurities

I have been avoiding blogging lately because I have so many deep thoughts scrambling through my head, with the reluctancy to share because of how dark my thoughts are and a writers block as to how to construct on the computer what meanders through my head. I have been dealing with some mild depression issues this past year, and came to the conclusion that if I just became busier and surrounded myself with activities and to do lists, then I wouldn't have time to think of all the reasons why God put me here on earth. So, I started babysitting, blogging, taking my daughter to dance class, going to the library more frequently, and exercising. All of those are good things, but I was avoiding the critical problem at hand. For awhile keeping busy kept my mind off of the main problem, but how quickly Satan slips in a hurtful comment through someone or a moment of insecurity to bring us back down again.

I realized that one of the reasons I have been down this past year is because my relationship with God suffers. I was rarely praying, never read the Bible, and almost always focused on something else while half listening to the sermon at church. One of my biggest fears is that my children will grow up with as many insecurities as I have, and not lean on God when they go through their deepest valleys. And how can I raise my kids to know their Savior if I lack a good relationship myself? I know in order to have a healthy life for myself I need to be grounded in the Bible. So I added one more thing to my to do list, and that was to join a women's Bible Study.

It has been years since I have been in an actual bible study that focused on a book of the Bible rather than a book focused on how to become a better wife, mother, or steward of the earth (not that there's anything wrong with those, I just needed to come back to the book that actually has all the answers to all of those questions). The group I joined is studying the book of John. And although the first meeting was a little intimidating (not knowing anyone, and already having thoughts of - well this person is so much better versed in the Bible, or I just won't belong here because I am not wearing the same type of clothing). I just can't let Satan win with the doubts he throws my way. I know God will win in bringing me closer to Him and hopefully maybe some of these women too.

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

10 comments:

emilymcd said...

Thanks for sharing this very difficult subject. It's hard to admit that we struggle with things. I really appreciate your sensitivity. May you find the comfort and peace that you really need.

Sarah Markley said...

This is so wonderful! I agree - about studying a book rather than how to be a good mom (that is needed too). Way to go (and way to go also for being so honest to all of your blog readers). It just encourages others to be honest as well! =)

Rebecca said...

My wish for you: that the blessings and riches of God's word and fellowship with other believers will so far surpass your worries that they will seem as small rocks you stepped over in the path of life.

Kris said...

Sarah, I'm so proud of you. This was hard to share, I know. It's never easy to admit when we are tempted to find the answers in other places besides the one that will give us the answers. I pray that your time in the Bible will give you the peace you search for. We love you!
K

Mary@notbefore7 said...

Sarah, Your honesty and vulnerability is beautiful. God wants us exactly where we are, not trying to "fancy ourselves up". He wants your heart as it is, with all of its insecurities, yet a deep desire to know Him. I think the bible study is a GREAT step and I am praying that He richly blesses you during it so that you can feel His love and just desire more and more of it!

My hubby struggles with anxiety...I won't go into it all here, but please feel free to email me if you just need to chat.

Earen said...

Stay encouraged...the first road to being closer to the Lord is realizing that you need Him & need to be in His Word. Saturate your life with the Word of God! Every negative thought from the enemy or hurtful incident from someone else, you just remember what the Lord thinks about you & what the Word says! It's wonderful that you're studying John. I pray you learn so much! Sorry for the preaching this morning, but wanted to encourage you! Thank you for sharing your heart.

Short Stop said...

Sarah, I'm sorry I'm late commenting on this. I have been thinking about you. I know wasn't easy to share, but I hope you know how encouraging it is to those of us who read it and see that God is working in your life and heart - even through something so difficult. I hear Satan throwing those nasty comments my way, too...and it is indeed through being in God's word that I am able to fight them off!

I am thinking of and praying for you! Thank you for sharing this and for being so open. Based on these comments, you sure have a great support here in bloggyland!

Mary@notbefore7 said...

Sarah,

Just wanted to touch base and see how your bible study was going and how you have been feeling. I had your name in my prayer list. Praying that your heart is feeling encouraged and you are growing in your walk with God.

Sarah said...

It's amazing how making time for God's Word in your life can make the days so much better and brighter, isn't it?

I love and appreciate you for your openness and honesty. You are one cool lady.

We did the John bible study a couple of years ago. I must say that it was one of my favorites! It's amazing how much more there can be to words you have heard over and over your entire life. I hope you are blessed by it as much as I was!

Renee said...

Thanks for sharing these very real thoughts.

I'll be praying for you as you start this new Bible study, and work on getting through some of these insecurities. I'm right there with you!