I have been avoiding blogging lately because I have so many deep thoughts scrambling through my head, with the reluctancy to share because of how dark my thoughts are and a writers block as to how to construct on the computer what meanders through my head. I have been dealing with some mild depression issues this past year, and came to the conclusion that if I just became busier and surrounded myself with activities and to do lists, then I wouldn't have time to think of all the reasons why God put me here on earth. So, I started babysitting, blogging, taking my daughter to dance class, going to the library more frequently, and exercising. All of those are good things, but I was avoiding the critical problem at hand. For awhile keeping busy kept my mind off of the main problem, but how quickly Satan slips in a hurtful comment through someone or a moment of insecurity to bring us back down again.
I realized that one of the reasons I have been down this past year is because my relationship with God suffers. I was rarely praying, never read the Bible, and almost always focused on something else while half listening to the sermon at church. One of my biggest fears is that my children will grow up with as many insecurities as I have, and not lean on God when they go through their deepest valleys. And how can I raise my kids to know their Savior if I lack a good relationship myself? I know in order to have a healthy life for myself I need to be grounded in the Bible. So I added one more thing to my to do list, and that was to join a women's Bible Study.
It has been years since I have been in an actual bible study that focused on a book of the Bible rather than a book focused on how to become a better wife, mother, or steward of the earth (not that there's anything wrong with those, I just needed to come back to the book that actually has all the answers to all of those questions). The group I joined is studying the book of John. And although the first meeting was a little intimidating (not knowing anyone, and already having thoughts of - well this person is so much better versed in the Bible, or I just won't belong here because I am not wearing the same type of clothing). I just can't let Satan win with the doubts he throws my way. I know God will win in bringing me closer to Him and hopefully maybe some of these women too.
John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."